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The Ranting Station
Yeah, so, this is where I'm going to rant about things. Be prepared for swearing, unintentionally long rants and more swearing. ---- God, I hate doctors. (10/12/14) So, according to my doctor, I am bipolar. Whoop-de-do. To be honest, I'm not that surprised. I think I've known for a while. My dad is bipolar, but has constantly refused to take medication (being the stubborn bastard he is), but it's incredibly obvious when he's having his manic and depressive episodes. But today, I sat down in my doctor's office, and he officially diagnosed me with Bipolar II Disorder. He explained it all to me, and my bag is currently overflowing with websites and pamphlets, but I've mostly been scouring the internet. The difference between Bipolar II and full-blown bipolar is that the "up" moods never reach full-blown mania, and suffer more from depressive episodes than manic episodes. Yay. But when I started learning about the symptoms and effects, it all made perfect sense. What I now know as "manic" episodes are amazing - I feel alive. You could crash a car into my house and I'd grin and say, "Oh, good! A chance to build something new!" I'm just uncharacteristically optimistic, buzzing around like a bee, telling jokes, noticeably much happier than I usually am. I don't know what getting high feels like, but I imagine it's something like that. It's so weird to explain. I become suddenly so creative - I write pages and pages of, once I've read it back, complete nonsense, and I draw anything and everything I can see. I talk really fast and my temper shortens - if someone buts in whilst I'm rambling like an idiot, I shout at them and make them shut up. But what I'm come to know as "depressive episodes" are fucking horrible. I have literally no energy - I struggle to get out of bed because it feels like my legs are going to shatter as soon as they touch the floor. I want to be totally and completely alone, and I basically become a complete misanthropist. I just want everyone to shut up and disappear. I don't want to go anywhere, see anyone, do anything. I suddenly don't care about writing or singing or anything which usually makes me happy. It affects everything - when I'm at school, I suddenly become snappy at my friends (and teachers, which has gotten me in trouble before). And there's those friends which just want the buzzing, crazy, manic girl they were talking to last week, and it irritates me so much, even though I know I can't expect them to even begin to understand. I'm going to go and slam my head into the wall. Oh, the joys of insomnia. (13/12/14) My insomnia has reached a whole new level. I know exactly what's causing it - I'm waiting on exam results, Christmas is coming up and my new medications are just completely screwing me up. It's even worse than usual, though. Normally, I go about three or four days with barely a few hours of sleep, then one night I'll just pass out and sleep for twelve hours straight, as if I'm recharging. But now, I've not slept a wink for four days solid, and I'm starting to go mental. I've tried fucking everything - different teas, hot water bottle, as many pills as is medically safe to consume - but nothing's fucking working. I've started feeling the effects of going this long without sleep: I start getting extremely paranoid, and panic attacks are much more easy to trigger. Someone laughing near me is enough to make me a nervous wreck. And then there's the hallucinations which start; I'm currently watching my fingers warp through the keyboard keys as I type this. Sometimes, I see my walls or bedsheets begin to crawl like a bed of bugs, and I see shadows on the walls or at the foot of my bed. What happens when I get worked up over nothing (11/01/2015) Ughhhhhhhh. So, about 99% of people on DARP are making a firstie this year, and I really really really ''want to, but I know that if I make another character, I'll become disinterested or disconnected in another one. It'll either be Kiano, Ryder, Adele or Chris, and I really don't want to lose any of them because I love them all so much, but that's unfortunately me and my awful attention span. Everyone's just like "Ellie make a firstie" and I know it's not their fault whatsoever because for some reason people like my characters, but it's just so ''irritating. ''Also, for pretty much the first time in my life, I've got no decent character ideas! My characters are already stupidly similar, I've pretty much used up all the personality traits I can think of. Oscar's the quiet, introverted one; Lilith's the harsh, blunt anti-social one; Kiano's the extroverted social butterfly; Adele's the seductive badass; Ryder's the complex, talented one and Chris is the witty one. The others have their own things as well. But now, my brain is just ''empty. ''And it's the most annoying thing in the world. I just feel left out for no reason and it's just me overreacting and I'm aware of that but bleugh. God. Nine characters is the perfect number for me, but I don't want to be limited to that, and I want to make more. Looks like I ''will have to kill some of my current chars off. :: Ellie, *uses a soothing voice* I completely understand what it's like to get worked up over things. *tries to be supportive but doesn't know what to say because she isn't made of awesome like Ellie is*. :: I'm sorry if I in any way made you feel pressured, I know I had said how great it would have been for you to make a firstie, but you don't have to at all. I really regret saying it now. You stick to the amount of characters you're comfortable with. :: Argh, I don't know what to say and you always make me feel better when I'm stressed over something. I'm sorry. I can offer lots of hugs instead *hug* *hug* *big bear hug* :: Lots of love, from Emmy xx Ellie made me. (13/01/2015) I've been hearing that phrase an awful lot over the past couple weeks, both online and offline. If anyone's reading this - if I ask/beg/plead that you do something with your characters or fanfiction, please don't listen to me. I'm forceful and I overreact and I don't realize that I'm most probably making the other person pretty uncomfortable or making them do something they don't want to do. If you don't want to write a particular fanfiction prompt, don't do it. If you don't want to RP with me, just don't. I'm not going to get offended (well, not most of the time. Depends what mood I'm in, but I won't hold a grudge or anything childish like that). This isn't really a rant as such, just advice, I guess. Don't listen to me. : Hey again, Ellie :) I know this probably isn't directed at me (and I think I know what this is about), but I just wanted to say that I never feel like you're forceful or that you would overreact if I didn't do something that you'd asked. If you make a suggestion about fanfiction or a roleplay, then I'd value and respect that. I'll never take advice like 'don't listen to me', because I want to hear your opinions and ideas, even if it isn't something I'm particularly interested in. They matter to me. I suppose that it could make people uncomfortable, but I wanted you to know that you've never yet made me uncomfortable by pushing something. Your advice does make sense, but I think it's worded badly and makes it sound like what you would like doesn't matter, when it does. I don't know. :I can't remember what else I was going to say and this is probably going to come off wrong because whenever I try to give advice it seems to do that, but...*hugs* :Emma xx :I'm going to add to Emma's point, Ellie - I love your ideas and they're creative and amazing, and I'm happy to write any of them. You aren't forceful, it's just fangirling and I can't judge you for it. Look how I shove (won't even write her name on your sandbox) in your face, I can't judge you if you ever did the same. I love to listen to you and it's such fun to hear your headcanons. I can't lose my fangirling buddy ;-; so I'm always here if you want to give me writing ideas or roleplay ideas or any of it. :Lil <3 OW. (21/01/2015) Mother''FUCKER''. I don't know. (10/02/15) I'm so fucking confused. Everything's just one huge blur of a mess and I don't know how to say it. It's very rare that I don't know what to say but today's an exception. I've forever hated school, always have done, probably always will. I've been getting great grades in most of my classes, even with all this shit going on that the teachers don't know about, and do I hear one word of praise or congratulation? Not fucking one. Yet the second I get a grade which several other people in the class got which is slightly lower than what I'm expected, I get fucking yelled at in front of the whole class because my test is apparently "shocking". I swear my teacher has more fun embarrassing us than humiliating us. And there's all these projects I've got going on - mock trial competition, school play, four tests in the week I go back, clubs I just don't have to time to attend anymore yet every time I try to explain that I just don't have the time or energy to participate I get fucking guilt-tripped. I'm just so tired. Not "I went to bed late" tired - the "life is exhausting and I need a fucking break" tired. Will my teachers believe me? No. Can I tell them anything with the guarantee and confidence that they won't tell my parents? No. Of course they will. They'll act concerned and give me the whole "you're too young/talented/smart to feel like this" lecture then they'll email or ring my mum because they're just too fucking concerned to keep it to themselves, and keep school and home issues separate. Parents just make it worse. They think they don't, but they do. I don't know why I'm like this. They'll pull me aside and ask me over and over again "What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?" and I won't know what to say because I don't fucking know what's wrong with me. Then of course they'll just think that I'm not talking on purpose and they'll confiscate my laptop and phone (AKA the things which are actually fucking helping) and keep asking and when I say "I don't know" again they'll get angry and shove me back to the doctors and fuck FUCK FUCK. http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/glee/images/5/58/Bangheaddesk.gif http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/glee/images/1/12/Emoticon-00179-headbang.gif http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/ofibty/images/a/a8/Smiley-sign0085.gif http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/camphalfbloodroleplay/images/a/a6/Angry_by_CookiemagiK.gif I don't know. Maybe I'm just going into a depression phase. I was way too happy last week - way too happy. God, the fucking joys of bipolar. I'm thankful it's half term now. If I had gone to school this week I'd probably have ended up either hitting someone or passing out. I'm an asshole. (20/03/15) When did I become such a selfish prick? Answer: since I was born. I've always been horrible and fucking selfish. I've never realised how stupid the shit I say is until it's too fucking late and it's hurt someone. Why am I so fucking selfish? I've said it before and I've said it again - don't pay attention to me when I start ranting or saying no/yes to things or anything. Just don't listen to me, because I'm an asshole. I am too fucking proud of my things to have anyone have anything similar, because I'm scared/pissed off that they might get more attention than me. Fuck, when I write it out, it sounds fucking awful. http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/glee/images/5/58/Bangheaddesk.gif Emma, if you're reading this, don't feel bad, none of this is your fault. I only realised how shitty I'd been after reading your comments and I saw how you literally wanted to change your plans just because I was a dick to you. You have a really amazing character idea in the make and here I am, raining all over your parade. Don't be afraid to tell me to shut the fuck up - I need it. She's your character, have her go through whatever you like - her being strangled makes more sense than an accident anyway. My character ideas are so mediocre anyway, why am I proud of them?! Why can't I be more genuinely nice and generous like Red or Emma, who allow anyone to use their stunning coding for whatever they like? Or CK, who can roleplay with anyone and give anyone advice? Instead I'm just the narcissistic, arrogant arsehole who feels like they own fucking everything. I've become even more horrible in real life than I have online, as well. I've snapped at so many friends in the past week than ever before. There's a guy in my year who was one of my best friends, we have so much in common, and then on Monday I had a go at him for a reason I can't even remember, and we haven't spoken since. We were practically joined at the hip and now he's avoiding me like he's scared at me. He's one of the only friends who's stuck with me since my bipolar diagnosis, one of the few who doesn't take the piss or try to agitate me, one of the few who can actually calm me down, and now it's gone because I was such an arsehole. Why can I do nothing without hurting someone? :I just literally spent an hour typing out a massive reply to you, twice as long as what you've put and it all sounded really good and I was just about to hit publish when my stupid computer crashed and I lost all of it (plus a load of coding I'd been working on on my sandbox). And now I really can't remember any of what I said or get it to sound as good, ugh :/ :Ellie *huggles* I love so much. I will never not listen to your opinion when you tell me to. You are not an asshole. It's completely normal to feel jealous or annoyed or whatever, you think I'm genuinely nice? Well I'm selfish too. I am. I get jealous, I hate people doing things. Everyone does, as far as I know. Sidenote, that thing you mentioned with your friend, I did the exact same thing a few years ago (with the guy I told you I'd had a crush on and had been my best friend for years, and now he hates me). :I never wanted you to feel like your characters weren't good enough. I think maybe that's why I was confused at why there was an issue, because I knew that even if I outright copied your characters or ideas completely they'd never be as good as the way that you ''write or RP them. :I'm so sorry about all of this, I don't even know what to say. Please don't think that any of it is your fault, because it really really really isn't. This isn't the first time this week I've got overemotional about something and done/said something stupid. It's my fault and my problem and I'll do whatever I can to make you feel better about it. :I'm sorry that none of this reply makes any sense and I lost the one that actually might have been helpful and made you feel better. I wish I could remember any of what I'd already typed. :::~ Emma xxx ~ Untitled. (01/04/15) I didn't realise it was possible to become sick of yourself. Like, genuinely be ''sick of your own self, and who you are, and who you know you're going to be. I just want to delete all my characters and my blogs and my social media account, run away, change my name and cut and dye my hair and just start anew. I wouldn't want anyone to freak out or look for me, I'd email and call saying that I'm okay, and to stop looking. God, that would be bliss. No arguing parents, no bitchy friends, no superiors for me to inevitably compare myself to. But I'm just sick of being me. I hate my disorder, I hate the person I am, I hate the person I'm going to become - the snappy, sarcastic introvert whom everyone hates but daren't say it to her face (which I'm pretty much already) - and the whole talking behind my back thing is a hundred, a thousand times worse than simply being insulted. Another reason I'd love to run away is so I don't hurt anyone around me. I've lost too many friends due to snapping out and being a bitch, and if I just left. I don't trust myself to speak anymore. I don't trust myself to eat. I've pretty much been living in a cocoon of annoyance and overall pissed-off-ness for the last month, at the very least. Sigh. (20/8/15) I've seen other people write about this, so I know how other people feel, and I know I'm being petty. I've never felt more detached from DARP. Everytime I go on chat, it's bustling with people, and I still feel like I'm invisible. I know it's selfish and stupid and whiny but I just feel insignificant. Insignificant to all the storylines and all the other characters and left out from all the dynamics and the cliques. I feel shitty and left out and alone in a huge group of people and it's just fucking pathetic of me. Ugh, I'm so fucking selfish. Kill me.